When history looks up your name, what will it see? Will there be asterisks and footnotes, or will there be bold lines and categories? If you someday distant get a chance to look in an almanac, will you recognize the character and merit of someone else's actions and confuse them with your own? Are you too small to affect history and influence change?

We all will someday rise to the level of awareness and purity that Buddha or Christ achieved. And the more and more I read about Buddha, the more and more he starts to sound like Christ. Where one spoke to the heart to eventually influence the brain, the other spoke to the brain to eventually influence the heart.

We are not different. Our differences are illusions. Our world is a hologram. Gravity is a misconception.

I believe that any one person has the ability to save another. To help another. To love another. It is our conditioning that makes us think people are greedy, and hurtful, and are liars.

It is what is in our mind that makes what is outside of it. And in my naivety, I am starting to understand compassion and love, and what it means to manifest both.

And beyond that, I believe I have found someone that has been with me before, that has known me on a level before this one, and sought me out as I sought them. Their mind I know as they know mine. And the further I go, the more a part of her I feel I am.

I have been flapping my yap about being productive and inducing change, but I now know that I lack the karma within and around myself to just snap my fingers and have it happen. I need to practice, and to learn. My playtime is over with, and I must wake up from my silly dreams and live.

I have truly found something with Buddhism that I connect with. I bought my first book on the matter in sophomore year of high school, and just now are the ideas starting to sink in, and just now are my eyes starting to open. I will always retain my knowledge of Christ and I will always understand His word and what He meant to all of us. If anything, that knowledge has prepared me to understand an alternate perspective, a perspective more like my own that I can truly live with faith and freedom.

Where all of this comes from, I don't know. I never know where my words originate and never once will I dare ask. I flow at a keyboard and go, and the words form themselves. But the more and more I type, the more I realize this is my prayer. It has been and it always will be.

It's a prayer from myself that I don't leave between me and infinity. I put it out there so other eyes can see. Other eyes that might not have seen me in days or months or years, but eyes that can see me and know me, and eyes that can fall upon my words and make them real for themselves, too.

When I look back, I want to know I always spoke truth from my heart, and that truth was never questioned, always recognized within the reader as familiar and inherent within themselves, not just by me.

I have a lot to do, but the most amazing thing I realized was that I am alive. Right this very second I am alive and this world is still at my fingertips, and all of the atoms and energy inside of it are at my disposal, and it is my job as an interacting human to help manipulate this world into a masterpiece. A beautiful piece of music and a rousing story of words. I have the ability to do so much that I often felt overwhelmed in the shadow of my talent's possibilities, but I now know that fear of failure was a normal bend upon my path and that all the things I can do are just possibilities that I have to make happen, and my talents are gifts that can be taken away at any time.

So, I must open my eyes. I must. I must. My baby's asleep and I can't sleep a wink. And when she reads this, she'll approach me with a condescending attitude and ask me what I'm gonna do about it this time.

From here on out, I'm just gonna do it, for I just gotta do it, for there is nothing else left to be done.

If there were two others better, their existence is not known. I love you, baby. Thank you for seeing the real in me when I've been blind to it for so long.

Irony, what a bitch.

So I'm resigned and cynical. And I should go on being resigned and cynical. Interesting.

I told her I was a musician, an artist, and she told me she was, too. I guess nowadays anybody, can be everybody, that can do anything, if not everything. Nevertheless, I digress. She insisted that artists or musicians that go through the program get monumental improvements in their creativity and inspiration. Awesome. That's great.

It's not hard to see why she said what she said, but if you're looking for an overall philosophical point to me getting in a battle of wits with an unarmed person, I beg you bring to mind the MTV hidden camera show, Boiling Point.

Basically, it's a hidden camera show in which people are videotaped being confronted by people of the annoying, vulgar, and/or generally creepy variety, and if they can talk to them for a certain amount of time without losing their temper, they win money.

Now, if you know anything about Socrates, he was, in his time, one of the most despised people in Greece. He would walk into the town square of Athens and confront people about their daily business, getting them into interesting and probably simplically ingenious converations. His idea was that, after a considerable amount of prodding, an opponent in a philosophical confrontation would eventually catch him/herself in a sort of circle, and prove to him/herself and to everyone, the true nature of his/her view.

In this manner, did Socrates become famous among the Gods themselves. The Oracle at Delphi was asked if there was anyone wiser in Greece, and she replied that there was none.

Now think about this lady on the phone, telling me to stay in the program, pulling out every single line off of the website, and every single line I had already heard on the matter, like the words were written in plain English on her brain. Like they were her own. She really believed they were her own. But they weren't!!

It's mind control, no two ways you can split this apple.

A mind made blank, ie; a mind that is brought back to it's theoretical, zero point, is immediately open to everything. All words and ideas that are created after reaching the zero point are made relevant, remembered in a way that was not a part of any of the cyclical actions of the brain before it. How did Hitler become leader of Germany?

Answer me that.

Now think of this lady telling me people would spend $10,000 to experience this "forum", and think of me laughing into the phone. I'm sorry, but she hurried me off the line, so she could get someone else that was waiting to talk to this airheaded woman that let 3 urgent messages go longer than a week. Do you think with something like this, I wouldn't be covering my bases?

I had to wait 15 mintues before she called me back. And I was on the phone with her for about 10 minutes. I was really rooting for her to convince me. I really was. I figured if this lady was good enough to have the position she did, she could give me a perspective I hadn't thought of. I have to admit, she made some dents on my thick head, but I still couldn't get past her rhetoric, imprinted on her brain like everyone elses I had met on the matter.

They are held accountable, and rewarded. They are salesmen. They are dealers of dreams. Do you not remember the story of Jesus going berzerk in the Temple of David? He was mad because people were making money in the House of God, salesmen confronting people when they had come to only worship, something that is free and absolutely valueless.

Yet we give money to churches. And we give money to doctors to give us pills to fix our emotions. And we give money to therapists to have them say what we can't say ourselves. And we believe people when they look us in our eye, and they give us the best salesmen stare and smile they can muster.

I admit, I gave them money. But you know what, it was worth it. I now know what it was that held so much mystique and power. I kind of wished I had gone to the forum, but I've got bigger fish to fry. It's enough for me to have the experience I had. But beware... the point I was trying to make during the Steelers game was...

Power is given, not taken. One can only try to impose his/her will, it is up to the one confronted whether or not he wishes to relenquish his power. And power is so much. It is energy, and as such, it is underrated. We as a people are not aware of the amount of power we give away because we accept things as they are. If even half the city of Las Vegas and it's greater metropolitan area just did as much as question, there would be a noticeable shift in perspective and possibly a great deal of power restored to the population in an instant.

This might not even seem important to you, and you might have zoned out somewhere in the last paragraph, but I assure you, if you really understood the shadow of which I speak, you would thirst to see the light on the other side of it. And if the thoughts I lay outweigh the breadth of yours, I apologize and beg of you to listen in objectivity. To first question neutrality, and question that answer, and the answer after.

The grand equation is as such to keep itself going. This = this... and it always will.

Now who needs therapy?

Buddhists set critters free in New Jersey river

Notice the choice of words... "critters", "bad karma", and the quote from the government official.

I just reread the entries from a year or so ago.

Where I said I'd write in this more frequently and I was happy at my job and explicit about my fervor for making music with my best friends.

Well I haven't written in here nearly as much as I should have been. I quit that job I loved because of no other reason than me being compelled to. And I quit my band, dismantling trust within friendships and essentially killing a collective dream.

I'm not quite sure how all the actions I've ever made were made, I know my mind is a roller coaster and my home life hasn't been so great since my dad fell ill. I can't blame my actions on my father. I left ShuffleMaster because I tried to do my job 3 nights in a row and I couldn't. I honestly tried, buried myself into cycle counts and rearranging bins, and I just couldn't do it.

I'm aware of the Family Medical Leave Act, in which I could have asked for a time off to take care of my father, but I understand now what my mother has gone through in the matter. My dad's health is like my mind, it's a roller coaster. He gets better, he gets worse. You don't know when he'll pass out or fall.

I quit FedEx because I came home 3 times and he was on the floor, and I couldn't help but think it was my fault.

Family comes first. Before money. Even before personal goals. If I was to really pursue my music down the avenue I was headed, I would have left my mother in quite a position. I wouldn't see any money for months, if even I got a GOOD record deal, and even then, I was beginning to believe my music wasn't as good as I wanted it to be, and therefore not even good enough to warrant a deal.

We had an investor, but my destiny is determined by me and a man with money can't make music flow better.

I knew this would happen all along. I think we all did. And I think we hoped that some glorious day things would mix and we could go where we wanted and do what we wanted. That day didn't come for 3 years. Might it have come in a month? Maybe, but I just can't deal with the stress anymore, and I just can't allow great kids with amazing potential be hindered by whatever shortcomings as a band-mate I might have had.

I haven't seen Tyler or Forrest in person since I told them I quit. I feel like a villain. I can feel their disdain and despair. And you know, I should have said something sooner. I should have done this a long time ago.

But I can't change what I've done, I can only use this information to influence my future. And my future does not get worse because I left my band. I still want to make music, but I need to find my flow. I need to get so comfortable making music that I can see it go into my pores and come out of my hands.

I'm contemplating school. I'm determining whether or not I can do it, by doing it I mean getting a degree. In what? Audio recording and engineering. This musical world is now dominated by producers and engineers. There are very few good rock bands left, and the largest area for expression nowadays is hip hop. The most innovative and expressive music I have found has been hip hop, and I can't tell you I'm donning a hoodie and trying to rap. I'm just saying that hip hop is the truest music I've ever found.

Being a good rapper comes from the heart, you cannot be unaware of yourself and be a good emcee. Truth shines from you when you flow. And likewise, DJs and hip hop producers probably listen to more music and understand all types of music better than any guitar player.

I've spent 5 years trying to reinvent the wheel. I now have a grasp on what I set out to do in the first place. I want to be different, but I want to be relevant. I want to express myself, and I want to utilize my talents. The guitar will still be a weapon in my arsenal, but it's time I went to school and learned how to do all the things I want to do.

And as a closing note, I can only beg myself to not let my fickle being do what I've always done, and I can't let myself be a coward any longer. My world is more open and free to me than it has ever been, and I am looking forward to meeting it with an unbiased and clear mind.

I'm getting my house in order, and I'm taking care of my family. I need a job, but that will come when it comes. I can't force people to hire me. I can't force my friends to forgive me either. But I know, someday distant, there will be a solace not felt before, and we will know that our paths went the way they were supposed to go.

'Tis the season to make amends. And the New Year isn't just a change of date.

Stability results were moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were very low which suggests you are overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense too often of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were moderately low which suggests you are reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.

i'm sitting in bed.

yay.

my laptop is running again. just like new. i have napster running, and although i can't really share the mp3s like i'm used to doing, i actually really dig the fact i have access to so much music. i downloaded 2 gigs worth of music in a day. literally every cd from anticon i don't have... all of sage's demo cds... the rare muse cd... soul position... immortal technique... minus the bear and jurassic 5.

i feel like i'm young again.. haha.

i'm posting this from a new windows program. i press one button and i post to other blogs. it's pretty sick... very fast and sleek. i'll let you know in 5 months if i still feel the same about it, but right now i'm stoked.

both computers are running like dreams. i feel productive.

which is good cause these next couple months are going to be very demanding and absolutely important to everything i've done to get to this point. the band is on the brink of a serious progression. a house, a full length album... i feel the spotlight on me, even if it isn't. this is the time to be the potential that i am, that we are.

so much chaos, so little panic.